


Excerpts from a Markjin story i'll never write

by YKWIW22



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Jinmark, M/M, Markjin, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, but eh please check it out, got7 is barely actually involved in this, i blame life?, i don't know where i'm going with this but please read, it's more like jinyoung and jaebum friendship, the first chapter is barely markjin btw, this is more like all the things i wanted to write but actually didn't, this is more like original writing with their names, this isn't an actual story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 10:23:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12933264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YKWIW22/pseuds/YKWIW22
Summary: Just different excerpts from Markjin stories i'll never actually writeit's quite fluffy but also sad idek what is life





	1. Someone I used to know

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read f you're triggered by suicidal thoughts and alike. I wrote most of this about half a year ago when i was feeling quite low.  
> (I hope you like it)

“So this is goodbye?” He asks, and Jinyoung nods slowly, clasping his hands. “This is goodbye.” He confirms. Jaebum gives him a funny look, his eyes are downcast but his mouth is twisted upwards. He’s shaking his head, unsure of why this is the end, but yet he understands exactly why. 

This was what they had talked about so many times before; the ending. Somehow he had just managed to convince himself along the way that he would be on the other side of this parting, that he would be standing next to Jinyoung instead of opposite of him. 

“Why?” He asks, because he can’t help it. He needs to hear it, but he stops Jinyoung before he even gets a chance to answer. “Wasn’t it enough?” He ponders, dragging his hands through his hair. “-I know i could’ve done better, I know I did wrong but I thought that I had helped you, y’know afterwards and I thought that maybe we could become friends, bestfriends, like we were supposed to, and-” 

“-That’s why we can’t” Jinyoung cuts him off. “Because you’re enough, you’re nice, okay? You’re one of the kindest people I have ever met in my entire life, and you deserve better than this-”

”-I don’t!”

“-Let me finish!” Jinyoung yells back, and Jaebum’s mouth is left agape, because Jinyoung had never once screamed. In their 8 years of knowing each other he had never heard the younger scream, no matter how hard he had watched Jinyoung clench his fists or bite his tongue, the younger had never once screamed. 

“Let me finish….” Jinyoung mumbles again, quiet this time as he turns around, looking out at the sea. He takes a deep breath to calm himself, to collect himself. 

“I will always resent you.” Jinyoung begins again, steadily, eyes trained on the boat that travels towards the sunset. “There’s a part of me that will always resent you for what happened and you don’t deserve that anger, because whenever I get angry I will always get angry at you and you don’t deserve that.” 

“So you’re doing this for me? Is that what you’re saying, because we both know that i don’t want this!” Jinyoung shakes his head. 

“I’m doing it for me.” He corrects and turns around to face the older once again. “Because I don’t deserve to continue living with so much hatred towards myself, because that’s the truth; I still hate myself. And knowing that I’m slowly, that i’ve slowly destroyed you that makes me hate myself more. The fact that no matter how angry I am at you, no matter how bad I treat you sometimes, no matter how much I hate myself, knowing that you’re gonna keep being kind to me that is what destroys me! That is what is breaking me apart… You’ve helped me, a lot, but now I need you to let me help myself and you’re not a part of that anymore.” Jaebum nods slowly. He dries the tears away with his sleeve, and closes his eyes. He needs to process, because he’s lost. He doesn’t understand, no matter how hard he tries to understand the younger’s mind; he never truly did, and he never truly will. 

He looks at Jinyoung, really looks at him. He exams the other’s feature for the first time and he notices it, he notices how the dark bags that he had grown familiar with are now almost gone, and he sees how even though the younger is looking down, there’s a calm around him. He’s not fiddling with his hands or pulling on his sleeves, those small movements that Jaebum had seen a thousands times are now replaced with a security, like the storm is finally over and the sea is back to being still and peaceful; right, there’s still some underwater storms but the biggest ones, the ones that had tipped over, the ones that had been deadly, they’re gone. 

But even though that, Jaebum still can’t exactly understand. He can see how much better the younger is now. He can see the relief on the younger’s face after having said these words but he doesn’t understand them, no matter how hard he tries to, his brain just can’t wrap itself around it. 

“What could i’ve done differently?” That’s what Jaebum asks, but Jinyoung shakes his head. 

“Nothing.” He answers, and smiles. It’s not a happy smile, but neither a sad one. It’s one that is used to deliver facts. It’s not bitter, nor sincere, it’s just a smile; a smile you would give a stranger you might’ve seen once before, or a stranger you’re simply passing but who happened to look at you. It’s not a smile that should be given to friends, but maybe that’s why it hurts so much, because maybe that’s what Jinyoung is implying. 

“It’s been 8 years since I met you and Jackson and ever since the first time you ignored me there’s nothing you could’ve done. You’ve helped a lot, in many ways, but it wasn’t enough. And that’s not because you weren’t enough; because you were, it’s simply because you can’t single handedly save a person that was being destroyed by so many more.” 

“But Mark saved you.” 

“No, he didn’t. He helped me a lot, just like you did. I got help in a lot more ways as well, he helped me find other ways to get help, he wasn’t alone in helping me.” Jinyoung corrects. 

“You never allowed us to help you.” Jaebum’s tone is bitter. 

“I didn’t want help… I wanted it to become worse because I didn’t have anything to live for anymore, I didn’t have anyone to return to... Mark gave me that, he gave me someone to return to and that’s why he could help me in ways that you never could.” 

It makes sense in some ways, Jaebum thinks. But it’s still frustrating, and maybe that’s why a new tear is rolling down his chin, and he furiously wipes it away. He clenches his fists around the railing. 

“You’re a good friend,” Jinyoung continues when Jaebum stands silent. Jaebum wants to argue it, because if he truly was a good friend, then they wouldn’t be standing here, but Jinyoung doesn’t let him.

Jaebum is admired by it, how Jinyoung still understand him. How Jinyoung knows how he’s trying to crush himself right now. He doesn’t hate himself, no, but that doesn’t mean the words doesn’t have a weight that lands on his shoulders. And Jinyoung even now, can understand how these words will affect him. 

Jinyoung had always understood him better than what he had understood Jinyoung. Jaebum can barely recognize the younger anymore, but to the younger he probably seems exactly the same, maybe that’s because Jinyoung has climbed mountains while he has barely moved. 

The old Jinyoung and the new Jinyoung barely looks the same either, but truthfully, Jaebum had never been good at understanding other people. No matter how hard he tried to trick himself that he was; he wasn’t. 

“You’ve changed a lot since then” Jinyoung reassures, and Jaebum snorts, but Jinyoung continues anyway, “And I believe you now, when you say that you would never do the same thing again. Anyone would be lucky to have you as their best friend and I need you to remember that. But we two, we’re simply not supposed to be friends in this universe, maybe in another life, in another timeline we’ll find each other under different circumstances and maybe we’ll become friends, but it’s not this life.” 

Jaebum can’t help but to smile through the tears and the bitterness because this is familiar at least. He knows this Jinyoung, and that’s what makes it somehow okay.

“Why are you consoling me when I’m the one that have done wrong?” Jaebum laughs a bit brokenly as he asks it and Jinyoung smiles. 

“Because you’re not the only one that have done wrong. We were two, hell, three, in this wicked game that we were playing and you’re not the only at fault. We all did wrong. So see this as my parting gift, but also as the truth,” Jinyoung walks closer to Jaebum, with a bit of hesitance but steady steps. Jaebum was now leaning against the railing as support. He was looking at the ground, in shame, regret and probably a thousand other emotions that tried to consume him when a hand lands on his shoulder as comfort. He looks up at Jinyoung who’s looking at him with sincere eyes.

“You’re an amazing friend and person, and you deserve so much more than what you have, and I need you to know that. But I also need you to know that I’m gonna be okay.” And Jaebum believes him. He believes in Jinyoung as he wraps his arms around the younger in a last hug, and the younger stiffens first, and right, it’s awkward. It’s an awkward pat on the back and it feels like hugging a stranger, but it’s okay. 

They release after a few seconds and Jaebum looks at Jinyoung, but Jinyoung is looking in another direction. He’s looking towards the slim boy with red hair, a concerned smile and two coffee cups in his hands that is standing far away, just visible for the eye. Jaebum probably wouldn’t have recognized anyone in that distance, but Jinyoung and Mark had always been something different. 

Jaebum can’t help but to smile again, knowing that it’ll be okay. 

“Goodbye” Jaebum then says and Jinyoung looks back at him, shocked, as if he had momentarily forgotten about him, then he smiles again. 

“Goodbye” He replies one last time and that’s how they part, with one last word, and one last reassuring smile as Jinyoung walks towards Mark who greets him with a happy smile and asks how it went and Jinyoung smiles once again, saying that it went good. And Mark asks if he finally got to say everything he wanted to say and Jinyoung answers no, but that it’s okay, some truths are better left untold. And then they walk away together, with a macchiato each while laughing about some lame joke Mark just made to cheer the other up. And Jaebum watches them disappear from his sight before he walks the other way, and that’s how it ends. That’s how a friendship that had lasted through 8 years of ups and downs finally comes to an end. 

It’s better this way. 

They do meet again, they’ll see each other on that cafe three months later and they’ll glance at each other. Jaebum will look a bit more intensely to make sure the younger is still okay while Jinyoung will just look past him as if he’s another stranger. But Jaebum will feel satisfied anyway, because he can see the other laughing, throwing his head back in a way that can only be done by someone who is actually happy, and he can see the affectionate look on Mark’s face whenever he does so. 

They see each other two years later again on a restaurant as well, and Jinyoung acknowledges him with a nod before walking up towards some guys that Jaebum doesn’t recognize. They look like they’re celebrating, everyone’s smiling and laughing and Jinyoung is blushing together with Mark who looks like he wants to disappear but take Jinyoung with him into whatever place he wishes to be at. 

Jaebum sees him on the street sometimes as well, he’s seen Jackson too. They talked for a bit, and it turns out Jackson was actually the first one to fall in love. He accidentally got a girl pregnant and now they’re living together happily. There’s something content about Jackson now, he looks more mature in the way he acts and talks. He jokes just as before but there’s something that’s complete now, like a part of him had been missing but has now finally been found. 

They don’t talk about Jinyoung, they don’t even mention him by name and he lays there, unsaid in the air, a small tension that they can’t really get away from, but Jaebum thinks that’s okay. 

 

Jaebum sees Jinyoung for the last time when he’s 35 years old. He’s sitting in the park watching his two youngest kids running around between bushes while he’s waiting for Youngjae when he sees them. Jinyoung is walking hand in hand together with Mark who has a young girl sitting on his shoulders. Jinyoung’s smiling and Mark is pouting, and the small girl on his shoulder is laughing. They don’t notice Jaebum. They’re both trapped inside their own little world of happiness and Jaebum thinks that that’s the best case. 

“I’m back!” Two arms suddenly wraps around Jaebum and he smiles even wider, looking up at Youngjae. “Who were you looking at?” Youngjae then asks, noticing the distant but fond looks in the other’s eyes. And Jaebum looks towards the other two once again, seeing Jinyoung and Mark disappear between the bushes and trees. 

He smiles. 

“Just someone I used to know.”


	2. SCENE 1. PROLOUGE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> poison? 
> 
> idfk don't expect much

During your life, Jinyoung had come to learn, that you would many times be told to ‘cut out the toxic people’. That was the advice everyone would get, whether the toxic people were a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, family, whatever. If you were feeling down, sad, depressed, all you needed to do was cut off the toxic people in your life who made it that way, and then it would be okay.  
Jinyoung had obviously agreed, immediately reblogging it with a smile, but that was just during the first times he heard it. He came to learn the truth later. 

It’s harder than what it seems to get away from toxic things. Poison, for example, is a thing that can come from anywhere, in any shape or form. It can come disguised in the food you like, or it can be spread through the air, like a big cloud consuming everything in it’s way, and leaving nothing but death behind. 

Poison exists in people too, and just like in everything else, it can come disguised. It can be disguised with a friendly smile, or a few nice words that’ll make you doubt yourself, because what if it’s you? What if it’s just your delusional mind that keeps trying to protect itself from dangers that might not even be there? 

There’s toxic things in everything you eat, there’s the mildly toxic substance coumarin which can in big measures be bad for your liver, it can also cause headache and dizziness. Coumarin exists in ordinary cinnamon.

Most fruits, vegetables and other substances we drink or eat, they all have poison inside them, which in high measures will be considered unhealthy, but they’ll still taste good, the strawberries will still be sweet and the lemon will still be sour. 

In small measures most things are okay though. It’s the same with people. Even though we know that they could be poisonous, we still befriend them, because it’s sweet. We’re not sure how to live without it, and as long as the measures of poison are small, then it’s okay. 

But then there’s the dangerous poison. The poison that could kill. That’s the hardest one to notice, because it fits in so well with everything else. The first time you meet these deadly substances, you’ll simply be surprised and hurt. The second time you meet them, that’s the worst time. That’s the time of doubt.

If you ever eat something that’s actually poisonous, maybe the mushroom picker saw wrong or someone wanted to play a wicked joke, then you’ll be veary of eating it again. You’ll be veary of eating anything again because now you suddenly know how dangerous it can be, but you’re still gonna eat, because you need it. You might smell it a few times extra, and you might wait til everyone else has taken a bit of it, but eventually you’re gonna eat it as well and it’ll taste just like before. 

And it’s the same with people. You’ll be careful in your steps, you’ll wait for everyone else, and the second you spot something irregular you’ll back off. But the difference with people is that they’ll smile at you in between, they’ll tell you comforting words, and they’ll be there for you even though they’re poisonous. And that’s what will destroy you, the uncertainty of not knowing whether everything is just inside your head or if it’s real. 

You’ll think that maybe you’re just delusional, maybe you’re just the one exaggerating everything and maybe it’s actually you who are the toxic person. 

The other difference between food and people is that other humans have feelings just like you, they have a choice just like you, which is why you can’t always cut out people, and which is why sometimes there’s no other choice than to continue eating. 

This was at least what Jinyoung had learned after 8 years of a friendship that should never have begun.

We can’t take it from the beginning though. We can’t start this story on that sunny day the 21st of august 2013 when Jinyoung for the first time met Jaebum, because that story is too long. 

We’re gonna start this years later, after many hurtful words and destructive happenings. After hundreds of days of Jinyoung laying awake at night wondering what the point really is, and after six months of being clean. 

We’re gonna start this on a high note in a deep depth. We’re gonna start this story during the end of a summer, or to be exact; the end of the summer of 2017.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize again  
> follow me on twitter @YKWIW22   
> I appreciate comments but i can't really expect them when i write trash like this   
> Hope you're having a good day!


	3. clothes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no actual markjin  
> this is just Jinyoung choosing clothes for the day and feeling anxious idfk

The 21st august of 2017 was supposed to be a good day, it was supposed to be a new day. It was supposed to be the day where it all changed, where Jinyoung for the first time, now as a fifteen year old, would walk into school with his head high and a confident smile on his lips. 

He had started the day just like he had started every day during summer break, he woke up, did some workout, mostly avoided breakfast and then he changed into clothes. 

Maybe the choice of clothes were where it all started go wrong, maybe that’s the place where the old habits came back running without him even noticing it. He stood in front of his wardrobe, throwing on sweater after sweater, because neither of them looked good on him, until finally settling on a dark blue one that covered his arms well enough. 

Maybe that’s where the nervosity started, because then he found himself on the exact same spot as he had been sitting on three months earlier. He sat in one of the front seats in the buss, but not the direct front, and then he avoided eye contact with anyone who came in, while listening to loud music that blocked out everything else. 

Maybe that’s what he has always done wrong. He makes himself inferior as soon as he comes into public. He pushed himself down until he’s completely alone and forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was really short but as i told you  
> don't expect much   
> I hope your day is still good!


	4. IDFK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> therapist kinda? idk   
> no markjin still i'm sorry i'm just writing angst scenes

SCENE: IDFK 

“Can you tell me when it started?” 

Jinyoung looked towards the curtains, avoiding eye contact while smiling slightly. It was fake though, he knew that it was fake because he had done it so many times before without even noticing it. He knew this smile at the back of his hand. 

“Not really, no” He speaks clearly, but there’s a low tremble on his voice, a small little whisper that tells him he’s lying, and maybe he is.

Dr. Kim nodded slowly while looking at him intensively, probably scanning his demeanor for any possible tell. “Are you saying that it came gradually?” He asks, his voice is gentle, but loud in the small room. 

Jinyoung shrugs.

“I don’t know.” It’s a mumble, and he curses himself for it because he was supposed to be put together, he was supposed to act like everything was fine now, but his voice has already failed him. Suddenly the small room felt suffocating, and his breaths came out shorter. 

“Have you lost someone in your life?” Yes, Jinyoung thinks but he shrugs because he’s not sure. “It can be anything or anyone” The therapist elaborates, noticing Jinyoung’s conflicted facial expression. 

“I-It’s not really.. It’s not really a real loss? I’ve never lost like a family member or friend.. My rabbit died when I was younger, an-and my bestfriend moved away? But not anything bigger than that” 

“Did it feel big to you?” 

Jinyoung ignores the question. 

“Why do I have to be here?” He asks and he’s impatient. His voice is harsh and he wants to scream, but he doesn’t; he never does. He bites his tongue, feeling the heavy gaze of Dr. Kim, scanning him, trying to put a medical term on the way he feels inside. 

“You know why you are here.” Dr. Kim answers and his voice is as calm as ever and somehow that makes Jinyoung even more infuriated. 

Jinyoung knows he’s trembling, he knows his fists are clenched shut in his lap and he knows his foot can’t stop tapping the floor and he hates it, he hates how he can’t even control his body anymore. He hates how he can no longer control the one thing he had always been able to manufacture, when all those intrusive thoughts thoughts came into his head, when all that self hatred came flooding over him; he had still always been able to control his body. He had always been able to control the way his smile was, or the way he spoke. He had even been able to speak in front of people with his head high, and his voice steady. 

He hates how all of that is now gone. He hates how he can no longer hide behind the fairytale of what his life was supposed to look like. He hates how he’s now trembling, just sitting in front of one person when he had once been able to stand tall and prideful in front of hundreds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope your day is still going well!


	5. prompt #5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk

Some people says that happiness and sadness will always come back to the middle. That if there’s sadness then there’s happiness to come, and the opposite. 

Jinyoung doesn’t believe that. 

Jinyoung believes that once things start going bad then they’ll continue to go bad, and if happy things happen then happy things will continue to happen. He would like to say that it’s scientifically proven but really, it isn’t. But he has experienced it, he made his own test on it and that was the result he got. 

When something goes bad then you’ll have a negative outlook to begin with, and where do you come with a negative outlook? Absolutely nowhere, you’re just stuck wandering in the darkness. 

Right, there will be some points where a small light will show itself but the darkness will continue to win. And if you’re walking in the sun then it doesn’t really matter if a small cloud appears in the sky, it’ll still be light. 

So maybe that metaphor is flawed since after the day comes the night, but during the night stars will still shine and the moon will still be there. Happiness is like that, good things are like that. 

Bad things though, they’re more like a tunnel. There’s no sunlight that will shine in because even if the sun is there, even if everyone else can see the sun you still won’t because you’re stuck in that tunnel. You can see some light from then to then, but it’s just the reflection in the animal’s eyes. And they’re just reflecting the light you came from, the happiness you once had, but in front of you there’s still just darkness. 

Jinyoung saw the dark for the first time when he was 10 years old. That was the time when he first stepped into the tunnel. 

So what happened? Did his parents die? Or did they get a divorce? Maybe his friend died? Or he might've been bullied…. No, no, no, there was nothing like that. His rabbit died. 

The fluffy little ball of sunlight that he had held close to him countless times was now lying in a shoebox, about to get buried in his family’s garden. 

He cried. Of course he did, he was 10 for god’s sake. He cried like there was no tomorrow and at the time, it didn’t really feel like there was. 

His mother had been holding Ellov (and yes, that was the rabbit’s name) tightly in her arms as Jinyoung bed goodbye. He kissed the seven year old rabbit’s head and stroke it’s smooth gray fur with tears in his eyes but hope in his heart. 

“Goodbye” He whispered, “I’ll see you when we you get back from the veterinarian, love you,” and then he hurriedly ran back inside to play cards with his dad. 

He remembers the call, even the fucking ringtone. He remembers sitting in the living room with an ace of hearts and a smile on his lips because he was about to win. 

He remembers when he heard the ringtone and his father sighed, and then stood up to go out and get it. 

He remember his father’s voice.

“Oh..”

-and then Jinyoung’s running towards his room and he’s throwing himself into the bed and he’s crying, because he didn’t need to hear more. Tears are flowing down his face and it feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest because he was supposed to see Ellov again, Ellov was supposed to come back all better, not in a shoebox. 

They buried him the same day. 

He remembers crying, and begging to be able to hold his rabbit again. To just get to see his rabbit one more time. But his mother had said no, that he wouldn’t want to see, that he should remember the rabbit as alive instead of whatever he was now. 

He remembers his older brother shrugging, saying that he was feeling okay. He remembers his mother hugging his older sister as they cried together and he remembers watching them and feeling that ache in his chest. 

The garden that he had once ran around in together with his friends, never really was the same afterwards. He didn’t really go out at all anymore. 

He remembers crying himself to sleep that night, and the next, and the one after that, and once again, and he didn’t really stop until three years later. 

He remembers his mother ripping away the picture of Ellov that he was holding onto while falling asleep. He remembers how an empty space suddenly opened in his chest.

It had always been a bit harder to breath since that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellov is the worst name ever and i regret life choices
> 
> Have a great day!!!


	6. #6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this isn't even fanfiction tbh  
> this is just me writing

To be honest; lies doesn’t hurt. If someone spreads rumors about you, if someone tells you you’re ugly, boring, annoying; It still won’t hurt, as long as you know it’s a lie. They can throw how many lies they want at you but it still wouldn’t hurt. 

What hurts though is when does lies becomes real. What hurts is when someone confirms all of those thoughts that you’ve had running around in your head for months. 

“You’re ugly” 

“You’re annoying” 

“You make people depressed” 

They hurt a lot more when you believe them. You can pull a tight smile, and you can laugh, but your eyes will stay still, only focusing on one point and that point is nothing. You’re just staring at something that doesn’t exist and that’s how you will know that it’s not a real laugh, it’s not something that people can joke about. It’s something that hurt you. The smile might be a reflex, and it might make it harder to know, but your eyes, your eyes -they will always tell the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (if anyone is still reading by now i'm actually gonna be surprised) 
> 
> have a wonderful day!!


	7. #7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> markjin is actually mentioned in this
> 
> also parent death

“I’m almost grateful,” He snorts afterwards, like he can’t really believe the truth himself, “I’m almost grateful for the person who murdered my parents” There’s a weird light in the younger’s eyes, something dark and mischievous, but something yet so empty. Mark looks at him. 

“You don’t mean that.” He says, but Jinyoung just laughs quietly towards the floor. 

“I don’t?” He asks, and looks up. It’s a challenge in his eyes, one that Mark doesn’t want to give into. He doesn’t let Mark answer before he opens his mouth again. “Because now I finally have a reason to live again.” And Mark shakes his head. 

“You can’t let revenge be your reason to live” 

“I can’t? Then what else is supposed to be my reason to live? Because I surely can’t find it.” It’s not supposed to hurt that much, Mark thinks. It’s not supposed to hurt that much that he can’t, isn’t, a reason for the younger to continue being alive. 

Mark tries not to let the tears fall from his eyes, but he can’t really help it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow 
> 
> no one is reading but who cares 
> 
> have a great day!!!

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually based on true events in my life and was one of the first things i wrote but i never actually managed to finish it.  
> I did realize though that maybe it doesn't really need anything more, so i just hope you liked it.
> 
> I decided to put this up today so i apologize for everything  
> i follow back on twitter @YKWIW22 (surprisingly i'm a multifandom account but like 98% is BTS)


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